One of the wonderful benefits of being a grandfather is the opportunity to reflect on what sort of parent you were when raising your own children. I have been observing my oldest daughter and her husband as they parent their daughter, Luna. They share their experiences which dovetail with my observations.
When we were busy raising our three children, we were interested in just getting sleep and surviving. There was little time for objective observation, reflection and thoughtful hypotheses on what is happening with your kids and your parenting. If you’ve never had children, you get to be like an observing grandparent. Your friends with kids are too busy parenting to stand back and watch.
Here are some of my direct observations. Also, our adult children have shared a few of their observations, in between their grabbing sleep and some couple time , when little Luna is asleep:
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The ability to delay gratification is influenced as much by the environment as by innate ability.
These observations on the power of parental influence are right in line with a fascinating 40-year-old study with very young children; the study tested their ability to delay gratification. A couple of years ago the study was updated – to see what might increase or decrease the ability to delay gratification in these 3 to 5 year olds. It was published in Cognition, an international journal of cognitive science research.
1. In the study of 3- to 5-year-olds, researchers randomly assigned 28 children to two groups: reliable (R) and unreliable (UR).
Here is how “reliable interactions” and “unreliable interactions” were set up in the experiment: Children were given an arts and crafts project to work on when they arrived.
2. Immediately after the reliability/unreliability part of the experiment, “the marshmallow task followed. The researcher explained that the child could have one marshmallow immediately, or wait for the researcher to return with two.
Some conclusions about this study
Reference:
Celeste Kidd, Holly Palmeri, Richard N. Aslin (2013): “Rational snacking: Young children’s decision-making on the marshmallow task is moderated by beliefs about environmental reliability” Cognition 126 (2013) 109-114.
http://www.bcs.rochester.edu/people/aslin/pdfs/Kidd_Palmeri_Aslin_Cog2013.pdf
The next time you are around children and their parents or caretakers, observe their interactions. Notice what the children are watching and experiencing about how the world works.
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When working with a client, young or old, explore what the “reliable” and “unreliable” interactions were in their life experience. It may say a lot about how they act now and how you should act.
The observations of a grandfather and experiments like the marshmallow test remind us of the power of parenting – for good or ill. So many of our clients suffer from impulse control issues, mood regulation difficulties and tremendous longings for nurturance. At the same time they can equally experience fears of not being able to count on anyone being there for them. They feel demoralized and hopeless.
When parents and caretakers are themselves depressed, suffering from addiction and/or mental illness, psychotic, preoccupied with chronic pain etc., no wonder we witness the results of “unreliable” nurturing.
So what to do:
Like the mother of one of the children in the marshmallow test said: “Kids really do watch what adults do more than we think they do.”
For Valentine’s Day this month, my wife, Marcia, gave me a little book: “True Love – A Practice for Awakening the Heart” written by famed Vietnamese Zen Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh. The inside book cover says the author “shows the way to overcome our recurrent obstacles to love – by learning to be mindful, open, and present with ourselves and others.”
It does indeed show some ways to practice ways to love and be loved. What Thich Nhat Hanh offers are four mantras. A mantra is “a magic formula that once it is uttered, can entirely change a situation our mind, our body or a person. But this magic formula must be spoken in a state of concentration…..in which body and mind are absolutely in a state of unity.” Mindfully breathe first: notice your breathing in and breathing out for a few minutes. This prepares you to say the four mantras:
I don’t know about “magic formulas.” Yet these are simple phrases – hard to do, yet when practiced, promote understanding, compassion, happiness, and joy.
Many years ago, Marcia introduced me to another important book. Around another Valentine’s Day edition, I shared some of the main points of that book. If you want to re-read more about the Love Language of you and your loved ones, read the February 2008 edition of Tips and Topics in the archives.
I think my wife is trying to tell me something with these Valentine’s Day books!
….Oh, and she did give me some chocolates as well. She knows I am a bit of a chocaholic.
References:
1. Thich Nhat Hanh (2011): “True Love – A Practice for Awakening the Heart.” Shambhala, Boston & London.
2. Chapman, Gary (1992): “The Five Love Languages – How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate”. Northfield Publishing, Chicago.