---
title: "October 2026 - Vol. #24, No. 7. What is your attachment style: Anxious, avoidant, secure? “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is a myth."
description: Explore the 4 adult attachment styles, how they can change, & practical ways to build more secure relationships in the October edition of Tips and Topics.
---

[DML](https://changecompanies.net/tipsandtopics)

# [October 2026 - Vol. #24, No. 7. What is your attachment style: Anxious, avoidant, secure? “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is a myth.](https://changecompanies.net/tipsandtopics/october-2026-vol.-24-no.-7.-what-is-your-attachment-style-anxious-avoidant-secure-you-cant-teach-a-dog-new-tricks-is-a-myth)

 Written by [David Mee-Lee](https://changecompanies.net/tipsandtopics/author/david-mee-lee) | Oct 22, 2026, 4:30:01 PM

Welcome to the October edition of Tips and Topics.

In **SAVVY,** like Dr. Amir Levine, I was surprised to learn about adult attachment styles and that there is a large body of literature and research. Dr. Levine outlines four basic attachment styles or working models defined by how you respond in certain relationship situations. These styles are malleable, and you have the ability to change.

In **SKILLS,** the Attachment Style Quiz is free and research-validated, and maps your attachment topography across all your relationships. You can take the[Attachment Style Quiz](https://amirlevinemd.com/attachment-style-quiz/) to find out your general attachment style and what relationships are most secure for most people. How do seemingly insignificant minor interactions (SIMIs) help develop secure relationships?

In **SOUL**, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is a myth. Dr. Levine: “*What I really am very grateful for is how malleable and adaptive our social brain is, that we have, at any given chance, the ability to rework those attachment styles. We have that malleability, that ability to change.*”

David Mee-Lee, M.D.

DML Training and Consulting

## SAVVY

Earlier this month, I was listening to a Science Friday podcast episode on “[Are attachment styles more than a social media trend?](https://www.sciencefriday.com/segments/attachment-styles/)” I felt the same as Columbia University psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine when he said: “*I’d never heard of it in the clinical world. I’d heard of it in kids, and I actually came across it when I was doing my child psychiatry residency, but I’d never heard about adult attachment style*.”

It’s worth listening to the whole 17-minute interview, but I will summarize some of the main points this month in SAVVY and SKILLS. All content comes from this episode. I arranged information in Tips and Topics format.

**Tip 1**

**Four attachment styles.**

It is a simple model to define four attachment styles. I am always a bit skeptical of oversimplifying human behavior. But from Dr. Levine’s research, there is utility in describing these four attachment styles:

- Anxious attachment is when you seek constant reassurance.
- Avoidant attachment is when you flee when someone tries to get close.
- Fearful-avoidant, also called disorganized, is some combination of the two.
- Secure attachment is a more regulated approach to relationship stress.

Dr. Levine gave an effective example of how each attachment style might actually show up in our relationships:

“Let’s say you get back from vacation and there’s a message waiting for you from your partner: ‘Call me, we need to talk.’ So what goes through your head? What are you thinking?

“Are you thinking, oh my God, no, this is the end, they’re calling me, they want to break up? Do you think, oh my God, they’re so needy, I just got back, and they already want some attention, and then you don’t bother calling? Or you’re like, oh my God, I think they want to break up with me, but I don’t have time for this, I can’t deal with them, so you just, like, completely ignore it? Or you think, oh wow, they’re probably planning something really fun for us, an outing, or a surprise party.”

**Tip 2**

**Your attachment style, also called “working model,” is defined by how you respond in certain relationship situations.** 

In the example above, here’s how different attachment styles respond to “call me, we need to talk”:

- **Anxious attachment response** – “Oh, they’re going to break up with me.” Very sensitive to potential danger in the relationship; something may go wrong; afraid of being rejected; afraid of not being loved as much as they love; worry a lot about the intactness of their relationship; think their relationship is very fragile.
- **Avoidant attachment response** – “Stop smothering me, I just got back from vacation.” Need a measure of distance in a relationship; want to be in a relationship but find themselves feeling suffocated; have a stance where everybody should take care of their own problems and should be self-sufficient. The mindset is, “You should just look after your own self. If you become dependent on someone else, then you’ve made a mistake. I don’t need anyone, I can be on my own.”
- **Fearful-avoidant, also called disorganized (a combination of the two above styles) response** – “You’re smothering me, but also you’re going to break up with me, and I don’t want that.” Wants people to come closer, and then on the other hand, wants them to stay away; they have a yearning for a relationship, unlike the regular avoidant, but when they get close, it’s like, “This is overwhelming, stay away.”
- **Secure attachment response** – “Oh wow, they’re probably planning something really fun for us, an outing or a surprise party.” Feel solid and safe in the relationship; no immediate thoughts of rejection or fragility in the relationship; feel balanced in their love for each other; comfortable with intimacy.

**Tip 3**

**Attachment styles are very malleable. You have the ability to change.**

People have the idea, especially on social media, that the attachment style that you had as a child because your parents treated you in a certain way is how you’re going to show up in your adult relationships.

One study that came out this year, 2026, was prospective research, the kind that you really want, where they followed people for 30 years, then looked to see what their attachment styles were in childhood and then what their attachment styles were in adulthood.

What the findings show:

- Childhood attachment really contributes very little to your adult attachment.
- One of the findings showed that maternal behavior contributed only 3% to the variance in your adult attachment.
- Early childhood friendships contributed about 11% to the variance. So both maternal behavior and childhood friendships did not contribute much to adult attachment style.
- A large percentage of what contributes to adult attachment style is because of other factors.

Dr. Levine developed “secure priming therapy,” which is a way to prime people into greater security, because our social brain is malleable and adaptive. We have, at any given chance, the ability to change and rework those attachment styles.

## SKILLS

**Tip 1**

**The Attachment Style Quiz is free and research-validated, and maps your attachment topography across all your relationships.**

Attachment styles or these different working models describe your way of looking at the world and help you understand where you are coming from and where other people are coming from. This understanding is helpful whether a relationship is romantic, familial or with a pet, God or artificial intelligence (AI).

You can take the[Attachment Style Quiz](https://amirlevinemd.com/attachment-style-quiz/) to find out your general attachment style and your attachment topography or attachment map across all your relationships. You can have more than one attachment style, and with different people, you can have different attachment styles.

Dr. Levine has 120,000 relationships mapped on that quiz. He found that:

- Even for people who are fearful-avoidant, around 62% reported at least one secure relationship in their life.
- Many of us have what Dr. Levine calls “secure islands.” Even if we don’t believe in people and are very wary of people or don’t trust people, we have at least one relationship that we feel that we can be very close to and very securely attached to.

**Tip 2**

**What relationships are most secure for most people?**

In “secure priming therapy,” Dr. Levine uses those “secure islands” to help clients find those secure people in their life and expand their secure potential. Those secure islands are not always people. In his data:

- The pet is the first that comes in line as a secure island, though not for everyone.
- 70% of people rated pets as a secure relationship.
- 30% don’t have a secure relationship with their pets.
- Right after pets come friends. So friendships are really important.
- People are the least secure with their parents, especially with their fathers.

Dr. Levine also found in his therapy work that:

- Oftentimes, the people who are secure in our lives don’t get enough attention from us, especially if we’re insecure.
- Somehow, our brain tends to gravitate towards the things that our attachment style is programmed to see. For example, “this person hasn’t texted me back” (anxious attachment), or “this person is being way too much” (avoidant attachment).
- We dismiss the secure people in our lives. Part of secure priming therapy is to teach people how to really integrate and give more priority to the secure attachments in their lives.

**Tip 3**

**Take mini-steps to develop secure relationships using seemingly insignificant minor interactions (SIMIs).**

Dr. Levine says, *“People think being secure really requires you to do so much work. When people go to therapy, they think I’m going to need to unpack all these childhood things that have happened to me, all these difficult relationships or big events that have happened.*

*“But it’s not about that. It’s really about showing up in a way that you’re consistent, available and responsive. And not in big, long conversations, but it’s really the micro-interactions that matter the most.”*

Dr. Levine calls these micro-interactions “seemingly insignificant minor interactions” (SIMIs):

Those little things that really matter, because we all notice when someone emails us back right away. We all have a sense of, oh yeah, that’s nice, I just reached out and I’m hearing right back. Our social brain finds it really gratifying.

- We hardly ever think about the seemingly insignificant minor interactions. But if you understand the social brain, and in general how the brain works from a neuroscience perspective, these SIMIs are so important.
- Each and every SIMI gives you a chance to create something new that’s counterintuitive to your anxious belief system or your avoidant belief system.
- Showing up in a way that you’re consistent, available, and responsive gradually demonstrates that relationships are not so fragile.
- SIMIs provide an opportunity to reframe anxious or avoidant beliefs to begin to experience that others are showing up for you. For example, a person with the avoidant attachment style may practice reframing a prompt email response as a supportive action from a friend, and will recognize that they’re not trying to impinge on their space.

## SOUL

You know the adage “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” I’ve never had a dog as a pet and don’t know if that idea is true. So I Googled it and here’s what I found:

“Yes, you can teach an old dog new tricks.

“The Facts:

- The Saying is a Myth: The idea that older dogs cannot learn is false. Dogs of any age can pick up new cues and behaviors.
- Longer Attention Spans: Senior dogs often have better focus and less hyperactive energy than puppies, which can make training easier.
- Mental Stimulation: Learning new skills keeps older dog brains sharp, fights boredom, and helps prevent or slow cognitive decline.”

I was delighted with that answer and thought for a minute that Google was actually talking about me – my longer attention span and mental stimulation. I don’t know about dogs, but I sure do know about me and that adage is, yes, a myth.

That’s what Dr. Levine was talking about too when he said: “*What I really am very grateful for is how malleable and adaptive our social brain is, that we have, at any given chance, the ability to rework those attachment styles. We have that malleability, that ability to change.*”

We are not the victims of our upbringing, ossified by childhood traumas into fixed attachment styles that doom us to perpetual relationship struggles. You *can* teach an old dog new tricks.

## UNTIL NEXT TIME:

Thank you for joining us. See you in November.

David

[View full post](https://changecompanies.net/tipsandtopics/october-2026-vol.-24-no.-7.-what-is-your-attachment-style-anxious-avoidant-secure-you-cant-teach-a-dog-new-tricks-is-a-myth)

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